May This Year be Different
Mental Health Awareness Month has come around once again. I sincerely wished, and hoped, and pleaded that this year would be different. It wasn’t.
He is slipping away even further into the dark hole of his illness.
And I’m so very tired of living under this cloud.
I was gone for a month this spring. My husband and I put over 3,000 on our car. I felt lighter and more relaxed with each mile we put between us. There was an easiness about me that is difficult to maintain at home.
And then, soon after we arrived at our vacation rental, I got a call from our local police saying that he had called in a complaint against me. He claimed that I had a dog repellent machine operating in my cabin, and he could hear the frequency in his parent’s house in the next town.
It feels like it never ends.
I don’t feel completely safe in my own home. I have a No Trespass order on my property. Still, it does little to calm my fears, especially on a day when he says that the poor decision he made is a result of me being inside his head.
This person is living with a severe mental illness. For reasons that are unfathomable to me, I am the focus of his angry delusions. ( Along with the fake FBI.)
This past summer, he called me and accused me of sexually assaulting him and his daughter (my granddaughter). I patiently explained to him that I would never do that and reminded him that, because of the pandemic, I hadn’t seen him in almost two years. He responded that someone must be impersonating me and calling him. And yet, at the end of our conversation, he ended the call by telling me that I would be in trouble if I ever did it again.
When I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, I remind myself that it is a no-fault illness, and he would never choose this path in his life.
When I can stay positive and practice Qigong, the fear, anger, worry, and anxiety begin to melt away. When those feelings dissipate, there is only love that remains. It is good to feel genuine love for this person. However, living with the fear and frustrations these past six years is taking its toll.
Mostly I want him to be a fully functioning person for his daughter. She is such a joy, and he is missing out on these critical years of her life. She deserves a dad who truly enjoys her and loves her with an open heart and a clear mind.
I know she wants this. I can see the longing and the confusion in her eyes when she talks about her dad.
Because of this little girl, I will continue to wish, and hope, and plead that this coming year will be different.
With Love & Energy by the Pond,
Laurel
P.S. Only a tiny minority of people with mental illness are violent offenders. Unfortunately, because of his untreated issues, he falls into that category. He is awaiting trial for a violent crime. I hope that he will get the help he so desperately needs.
If you know anyone dealing with mental health issues, NIMH https://www.nimh.nih.gov/is a good resource.
