Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean: Another Step Out of the Swamp
Part 6
Healing my relationship with my mother was imperative to my getting out of, and staying out of, the swamp. Today, five years after my mother’s passing, I no longer feel the anger and frustration that colored our relationship when she was alive. It took me a long time to reach this place, but I’m there and it feels wonderful.
Upon reflection, I believe that I had more of an “in spite of” relationship with my mother. I love you in spite of the fact that you left me at my uncle’s house knowing he was a child molester. (See Shame: The Swampland of the Soul) I love you in spite of the time I only got a pair of socks for my tenth birthday, and when the socks turned out to be too big for me you gave my only present to my sister. I love you in spite of your being a narcissist.
I knew that my mother loved me, and yet I struggled to break free from the old hurts and resentments that weighed me down. There was a list in my head. This list contained an inventory of childhood resentments great and small. Included on that list were all of the things that I didn’t get from her, all of the places where, I felt, she fell short.
I placed impossible demands upon my mother. I believe that most mothers, myself included, feel that we have fallen short when it comes to the raising of our children. I would also venture to guess that there are a lot of adult children out there who still carry a list of grievances where their parents are concerned.
Eventually, I began to grow tired of the list. Why was I stuck focusing on all of the negative memories of our life together? Why did I relegate so many of the positive memories of our life together to the back seat?
Growing up I was aware of the many things that she did for me. I knew how hard she worked raising five children while working alongside my dad on the family farm. After the farm went bankrupt and my dad went back to college to get his teaching degree, I witnessed how tired she was when she came home from her demanding, low-paying jobs.
I loved my mother and wanted a relationship with her, even though it felt like I didn’t get a lot in return. I wanted to be there for her especially in the last years of her life. So, I managed her finances, drove her to doctor’s appointments, took her on her weekly breakfast outing, bought her clothes when shopping became too much for her, and changed her adult diaper in the last year of her life.
She brought me into this world, it seemed that it was the least I could do in return. By the time my mom passed the feelings of anger and resentment had diminished. I had accepted our relationship for what it was, warts and all. On the evening that she left this world I was honored to be there with her to witness her passing.
I thought that this was enough, and for five years after her passing I thought it was. I believed that I would never fully be free from an underlying feeling of sadness that would sneak into my consciousness when least expected. Luckily, I was wrong.
It was a simple fix really. For years now, I end my daily qigong practice with the gratitude movement. With each movement, I say something that I am thankful/grateful for. Anything that comes into my mind. I rarely thought to include my mother in this practice.
One day I decided to dedicate the gratitude movement to my mother. I spent the entire time thanking my mother. I felt the gratitude flow through me remembering all of the things big and small that she had done for me during our life together.
Focusing solely on my mom for five minutes was incredible. It was such a simple thing to do, and yet it was life changing. So effortless and yet so powerful. Any residual resentment or anger is now gone. It has been replaced with love and gratitude. Not a day goes by now that I don’t include my mother in my gratitude practice. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel love for, and from, my mother.
Now, what about my companions in the swamp?
To be continued…
With Love & Healing Energy by the Pond,
Laurel
